I’m doing it again.
When it starts, I don’t even realize it.
My heart feels like an ocean wave pulling away from shore. It’s longing for the furthest sand but the tide is pulling, keeping it from reaching its desire. I want to be vulnerable, to share my heart deeply, but I get caught in the current.
I’ve been holding back.
Don’t take it personally; I didn’t mean to, I didn’t want to. But, this whole “share your heart; share your story” thing is terrifying.
You see, I’m a very private person. Even my best of friends only hear from me sporadically. Granted, if you ask the right questions (or I’m in “that” mood), I will talk your ear off and spill my guts; but it’s different in person. It’s different among those you know love and accept you – as is.
I like to think that you and I are friends (even if we’ve never met in person). But, like I’ve shared before, I care too much about what you think of me.
What if all I have to share turns out to be wasted space?Answer: God wastes nothing.(John 6:12, Romans 8:28)
What if I come across as selfish or give terrible advice?Answer: I will be selfish at times (I have yet to arrive at perfection), and I will give terrible advice (neither of these will be intentional). So, I have to trust that God will use all that I say and work it out for your good, and my good, and His ultimate glory (Romans 8:28, Proverbs 16:4).
I’m not even really a writer. Sure, I write words on a page; but does that qualify me to be a writer? Answer: I’m going to say… Yes. (Even if it’s for the mere fact that I like the idea of being a writer.) Apparently God sees me in this way – why would He so clearly call me here if He doesn’t? (And it brings me such joy!) So, I will be faithful with what I have and serve you the best that I can (1 Peter 4:10-11).
[As tough as it is to admit] Obviously I want you to think highly of me; to think of me as generous, kind, smart, and wise (sadly, I could go on, but I won’t). I realize I have these qualities (and truly, I don’t mean this to be reaching for a pat on the back), but I also know the ugliness of my own heart and from that place is where I’m seeking approval from others, from you.
And this is why I’ve been holding back.
Instead of being vulnerable, I’ve been playing it safe. But God is calling me to risk it all for His Kingdom, for His glory!
Each post I’ve written has been from a place of truth (and some were from a place of total vulnerability). I have shared with you pieces of my heart, but I want, I feel I need, to give you more. I’m walking a road that’s unknown to me and I don’t want to walk it alone; not just for my sake, but for yours. Our stories intersect somewhere, somehow, and I hope that by being truly vulnerable and authentic it would encourage you to do the same and spark a real Jesus-change of heart in us. I want to walk with you in your story, too. This is our path here.
And I’m so glad it is.
I don’t know exactly how this will all look. I’m sure some of it will be ugly, none of it will be wasted, and in the end, all of it will be beautiful (Ecclesiastes 3:11, Genesis 1:31, Job 5:9, Proverbs 16:4).
Thank you for letting me share my heart. This has been the hardest post I’ve written in a while, but the easiest to compose. (I’ve never been great with small talk, I like the deep, heart-to-heart stuff; so why did I think it would be different here?!)
I think this is where I’m meant to be.
Thank You, Jesus.
If you’re ready to journey with me in some tough details, good times, and heart-sharing, I’d love to have you! I want this to be a safe place for us all.
Are there any areas in your life that you feel you’ve been holding back from those God’s placed in your life or from God Himself? If so, what’s one step you can take today to let go?
Remember, YOU are loved and you are NOT alone.
Feel free to share the love by using the share buttons below.
One last thing – to be sure you don’t miss a thing you can sign up to receive each post in your inbox! Click here to subscribe and you’ll also get a FREE DOWNLOAD of “Overcoming Anxiety” – a 32-page eBook AND an infographic of spiritual and practical ways to prevent and fight anxiety along with printable memory verse cards. (And don’t worry, I won’t be spamming your email – that’s so annoying!!)